I am writing an autobiographical sketch because I am applying to governor’s school. Feel free to correct any grammatical errors, rearrange any sentences, or tell me if if good or not. I wouldn’t mind any criticism, because I really need to submit a good essay. (I took out names and certain dates so I wouldn’t reveal any private information)
My name is __________________, and I was born in 1993 to two loving parents in Staten Island, New York. I was the first child to be born to __________and ________. In 1995, my little sister, _______ was born, and then in 2004, my baby brother, _________, was born, which completed our family. About a year after _________ was born, our family moved to Monroe Township, New Jersey, where we are currently living. I attended _______ Middle School, and after two years I moved up to Monroe Township High School, where I am now in my third year. Towards the end of sophomore year, I was accepted into the summer program at Brown University, where I took a 2-week course on Medicine and Society. I learned about the different aspects of medicine, and how diverse cultures perceived and used it. I feel that my experience at the university changed my life; my devotion to succeed in life grew stronger, and my entire perception of medicine changed. This year, I became more involved in extracurricular activities, such as Math-letes, Environmental Action Club, and Peer Leadership, and I am a part of the winter track team. I also in the process of becoming involved outside of school; I was accepted to volunteer at Princeton University during the spring. I have many interests and hobbies; I am an avid reader and also a fan of Greek mythology. Music is a huge part of my life; I grew up listening to 80s pop music, and have been addicted to it ever since. My favorite foods consist of Chinese takeout and the ethnic foods my family and I cook for the holidays. The school subjects I favor the most are Biology, Physics, Language Arts, and most importantly Math, because I enjoy solving equations. I have many strengths and weaknesses; I tend to lose things, I’m unorganized, and I make mistakes daily, but I always learn from them. I like to work hard to get the things I want, I put my family first, and I am determined to do the best of my ability to succeed in life. In the future, I hope to attend a university, hopefully out of state, and take pre-med classes. My main goal is to pursue a career in medicine and specialize in anesthesiology, no matter how long it takes to do so.
It’s a decent draft. You have covered most of the basics. Build on those a bit. Also, when you change subjects you need to change paragraphs. For instance when you switched from talking about your family to you education list and education to your interest in medicine.
Expand on your family relationships. Do your siblings crack you up and drive you nuts? How is your relationship with them typical in a way your reader can relate?
Ask yourself what is a paragraph telling my reader. Make a statement or two. Support the statement(s) with two more sentences covering some interesting details about the subject. For instance, "This year, I became more involved in extracurricular activities, such as…" After you have listed them go on to tell readers what you have learned from one of these activities or maybe why a group you associate with is an important part of your life. Do you have a favorite ethnic dish that you cook with your family? What is it? Is it an old family receipt?
I would get rid of "no matter how long it takes" at the end of your final sentence. I don’t believe it helps.