I am writing an autobiographical sketch because I am applying to governor’s school. Feel free to correct any grammatical errors, rearrange any sentences, or tell me if if good or not. I wouldn’t mind any criticism, because I really need to submit a good essay. (I took out names and certain dates so I wouldn’t reveal any private information)

My name is __________________, and I was born in 1993 to two loving parents in Staten Island, New York. I was the first child to be born to __________and ________. In 1995, my little sister, _______ was born, and then in 2004, my baby brother, _________, was born, which completed our family. About a year after _________ was born, our family moved to Monroe Township, New Jersey, where we are currently living. I attended _______ Middle School, and after two years I moved up to Monroe Township High School, where I am now in my third year. Towards the end of sophomore year, I was accepted into the summer program at Brown University, where I took a 2-week course on Medicine and Society. I learned about the different aspects of medicine, and how diverse cultures perceived and used it. I feel that my experience at the university changed my life; my devotion to succeed in life grew stronger, and my entire perception of medicine changed. This year, I became more involved in extracurricular activities, such as Math-letes, Environmental Action Club, and Peer Leadership, and I am a part of the winter track team. I also in the process of becoming involved outside of school; I was accepted to volunteer at Princeton University during the spring. I have many interests and hobbies; I am an avid reader and also a fan of Greek mythology. Music is a huge part of my life; I grew up listening to 80s pop music, and have been addicted to it ever since. My favorite foods consist of Chinese takeout and the ethnic foods my family and I cook for the holidays. The school subjects I favor the most are Biology, Physics, Language Arts, and most importantly Math, because I enjoy solving equations. I have many strengths and weaknesses; I tend to lose things, I’m unorganized, and I make mistakes daily, but I always learn from them. I like to work hard to get the things I want, I put my family first, and I am determined to do the best of my ability to succeed in life. In the future, I hope to attend a university, hopefully out of state, and take pre-med classes. My main goal is to pursue a career in medicine and specialize in anesthesiology, no matter how long it takes to do so.

It’s a decent draft. You have covered most of the basics. Build on those a bit. Also, when you change subjects you need to change paragraphs. For instance when you switched from talking about your family to you education list and education to your interest in medicine.
Expand on your family relationships. Do your siblings crack you up and drive you nuts? How is your relationship with them typical in a way your reader can relate?
Ask yourself what is a paragraph telling my reader. Make a statement or two. Support the statement(s) with two more sentences covering some interesting details about the subject. For instance, "This year, I became more involved in extracurricular activities, such as…" After you have listed them go on to tell readers what you have learned from one of these activities or maybe why a group you associate with is an important part of your life. Do you have a favorite ethnic dish that you cook with your family? What is it? Is it an old family receipt?
I would get rid of "no matter how long it takes" at the end of your final sentence. I don’t believe it helps.

When my mother was 9 months pregnant with me she had a craving for some collard greens my grandmother had cook the night before. However, as my mother made her a plate her water broke and she had to be rushed to the hospital. Of course just because her water broke it did not mean I was ready to come out into the world. My mother stayed in labor for seventeen hours with me and when I was born she said I felt like rubber because I was so long. This would be my mother’s first child but for my father his second girl. I lived in my grandmother’s house until my preschool days were over. I blame my grandmother’s house for vivid memories of my childhood from teething, to a Christmas when I got flashcards and to my very time tasting orange sorbet. By this time my younger brother Alexander was born and my parents had moved out of my grandma’s house into a small second floor apartment not too far away. Because of my father’s job we had to move around. We moved from Washington DC, to a few places in New York before settling down in Missouri.
It was in Missouri that my parent’s marriage ended and they separated. It was a traumatic event for my brother and me as we were very young and could not understand why my father was leaving us. It confused us even more due to the fact that we never once heard our parents argue. We saw our father off and on after that, but my mother did not want to live in Missouri alone so we went to live with my grandmother in New Jersey. I was ten years old.
I had always gone to suburban schools all my life, but in New Jersey things were about to change. It was here that I experienced firsthand just how bad public inner city schools were. I went to Chancellor Avenue School from fourth grade all the way up until eighth. I remember the school was depressing all around. The children there look unhappy and angry to be at school, they didn’t really participate in classes, and there was always a fight every single day. Not only that but lunch was horrible and I would only eat the fruit and when we went outside to play we had no playground. All of this puzzled me and just forced me into my school work even more. To add salt to the wound my grandmother’s house had eleven people living there despite the fact that it was a three bedroom two family house. The only conclusion I came to by all of this is I NEVER want to live in a city ever again.
Because of my experiences in both the suburbs and the inner city, I for the first time saw a country that was divided. I had always assumed that kids loved going to school and learning. And that they all had their own rooms and bunk beds. Most of all I had assumed that they at least lived with and was raised by at least one parent. But now I saw the world in all its ugliness and I hated it, passionately. My only light of hope was to get an education. There simply was no other way around it. I was just going to get good grades and then get accepted into a good university. But I was going to take it step further by going to medical school to become a doctor.
I did make it pass high school with good grades and I did get accepted to a historical black college in Ohio. I almost did not go because my mother did not have the money. But with the help of my cousin she got me a one way ticket there on the very last of registration. When I arrived at the airport I had nothing with me but my papers, some clothes and sheets. The students of the college were nice enough to supply me everything else that I needed. Unfortunately after the first quarter I returned home to my mom informing me that I would not be going back to school. I was hurt and upset by this. So much so that I joined the Army hoping my four years would go fast and I could go back to school as soon as possible.
The Army was a complete change in environment for me. It put me in a state of shock. Never in all my life did I think I would miss the inner city that I hated so much. But this was all necessary in order to achieve my dreams to become a college graduate. After all my Army training I was shipped over to Germany. It was a beautiful county despite the fact that it was extremely cold. It was in this county that I met my boyfriend now husband Bryan. We would normally hang out in his room watching those old horrible ninja moves from the seventies and eighties. We would spend hours making fun of them or rooting for which ninja we would think will win the fight. We would also go out to the local clubs and restaurants. After a few months of dating we were deployed to Iraq. It was four months into the deployment that we found out that I had left Germany pregnant!
I was redeployed back to Germany. It was in this country that I got all of my prenatal care. I found out that my blood pressure was too high, my iron too low and I was put on bed rest because of where the baby was or shouldn’t have been at four months. This proved to be the most changeling time of my life, a pregnancy is hard already but to
okay the whole thing is here since yahoo has a character limit

also ill be on msn

Lisa_Swarn@hotmail.com

the rest of the story is here

http://mistresssprite.blogspot.com/

You have done a fantastic job relaying your message. You are a great writer. I did find a few minor errors, and I have corrected them. I wish I could change the color of my edit to a red color, but the added commas are mixed in and the new words are capitialized.

When my mother was 9 months pregnant with me, she had a craving for some collard greens my grandmother had cookED the night before. However, as my mother made herSELF a plate, her water broke and she had to be rushed to the hospital. Of course, just because her water broke, did not mean I was ready to come into the world. My mother stayed in labor for seventeen hours with me, and when I was born she said I felt like rubber because I was so long. This would be my mother’s first child but for my father’S second girl.

WE lived in my grandmother’s house until my preschool days were over. I blame my grandmother’s house for vivid memories of my childhood from teething, to a Christmas when I got flashcards, and to my very time tasting orange sorbet. By this time, my younger brother Alexander was born and my parents had moved out of my grandma’s house into a small second floor apartment not too far away. Because of my father’s job we had to move around. We moved from Washington DC, to a few places in New York before settling down in Missouri.

It was in Missouri that my parent’s marriage ended, and they separated. It was a traumatic event for my brother and me, as we were very young and could not understand why my father was leaving us. It confused us even more due to the fact that we never once heard our parents argue. We saw our father off. After that, my mother did not want to live in Missouri alone, so we went to live with my grandmother in New Jersey. I was ten years old.

I had always gone to suburban schools all my life, but in New Jersey things were about to change. It was here that I experienced firsthand just how bad public inner city schools were. I went to Chancellor Avenue School from fourth grade all the way up until eighth. I remember the school was depressing all around. The children there look unhappy and angry to be at school. They didn’t really participate in classes, and there was a fight every single day IN SCHOOL. Not only that, but THE lunchES WERE horrible, and I would REFUSE TO EAT ANYTHING BUT the fruit. Also, when we went outside to play we had no playground TO PLAY ON. All of this puzzled me, and THEY just forced me into my school work even more. To add salt to the wound, my grandmother’s house had eleven people living there despite the fact that it was a three bedroom two family house. THROUGH ALL OF THIS, I CAME TO THE conclusion THAT I NEVER want to live in a city again.

Because of my experiences in both the suburbs and the inner city, I for the first time saw a country that was divided. I had always assumed that kids loved going to school and learning. And that they all had their own rooms and bunk beds. Most of all, I had assumed that they at least lived with and WERE raised by at least one parent. But now I saw the world in all its ugliness and I hated it, passionately. My only light of hope was to get an education. There simply was no other way around it. I was just going to get good grades and then get accepted into a good university. But I was going to take it step further by going to medical school to become a doctor.

I did make it pasT high school with good grades, and I did get accepted to a historical black college in Ohio. I almost did not go because my mother did not have the money. But with the help of my cousin, she got me a one way ticket there on the very last DAY of registration. When I arrived at the airport, I had nothing with me but my papers, some clothes and sheets. The students of the college were nice enough to supply me everything else that I needed. Unfortunately, after the first quarter, I returned home to my mom informing me that I would not be going back to school. I was hurt and upset by this. So much so that I joined the Army hoping my four years would go fast and I could go back to school as soon as possible.

The Army was a complete change in environment for me. It put me in a state of shock. Never in all my life did I think I would miss the inner city that I hated so much. But this was all necessary in order to achieve my dreams to become a college graduate. After all my Army training, I was shipped over to Germany. It was a beautiful county despite the fact that it was extremely cold. It was in this county that I met my boyfriend now husband, Bryan. We would normally hang out in his room watching those old horrible ninja moves from the seventies and eighties. We would spend hours making fun of them or rooting for which ninja we would think will win the fight. We would also go out to the local clubs and restaurants. After a few months of dating, we were deployed to Iraq. It was four months into the deployment that we found out that I had left Germany pregnant!

I w

What do you think of this from

http://www.therestrainingorder.com/?p=2250

Do you not remember these events?

Exhibit a.
Jay Walking
Source, Entertainment Weekly. Sep 27, 2004:

”In 2009, I’ll be 59 years-old and will have had this dream job for 17 years,” Leno said in a statement. ”When I signed my new contract, I felt that the timing was right to plan for my successor, and there is no one more qualified than Conan. Plus, I promised [my wife] Mavis I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60.’”

Jay Leno decides with his last contract that he will retire from his post at the Tonight Show and pass the mantle to Conan O’Brien. Unlike what you’ve read from Leno supporters, he was not forced. He was not canceled. He was not beaten up by NBC goons while he signed away his late night birth rite to Conan while Conan cackled in the distance. Unlike Jay Leno in 1992, Conan was selected on a 5 year plan to have a clear succession per Leno’s admitted desire to step down.

Exhibit b.
Leno May Switch to Fox
Source, Newsmax.com March 4, 2007:

According to the New York Post, the “Tonight Show” host is unhappy about NBC’s plans to replace him with Conan O’Brien in 2009. But Leno’s unhappiness may mean smiles all around Fox.

Clearly, between 2004 and 2007, Jay Leno had a change of heart. Either the cost of buying thousands of shitty muscle cars was more than he thought it would be, or the idea of actually taking his wife Mavis to dinner was so unnerving that Jay Leno decided to use his ratings clout and Tonight Show seat to openly lobby other networks for a show. NBC was put on notice. Deal with Jay Leno because he wasn’t going to actually retire like he said, or else. He had made his intentions known.

Exhibit c.
Jay Leno Hints At ABC Future
Source, Huffington Post. July 15, 2008:

“…on Monday’s “Tonight Show,” Jay Leno hinted at a possible future with ABC while reading the popular segment, “Headlines.”

Leno held up a TVWeek cover that said “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno…starring Jay Leno on ABC.” Then, Leno joked, “It’s like a headline from the future!”

Less than a year before being ousted from the Tonight Show, per his arraignments, the stakes are raised. Of course, Leno knew full well NBC wouldn’t let him go. He had dug his claws in far too well with his over 20 years of conniving. Jay Leno might be an unfunny, humorless, watered down prick of a man, but no one has ever claimed he doesn’t know how to play the game. If he didn’t, David Letterman wouldn’t be at CBS right now.

The rest is well known. NBC caved to Leno on the fear he’d take his huge chin and even larger stable of Hollywood guests that he’d sucked up to for years with him to a rival network. Instead of Leno knighting Conan with his black book for Hollywood’s elite, the same one Leno stole from Johnny Carson, Leno was going to take it to another network where the stars were soon to follow as they’d grown comfortable with Leno’s coddling of them, throwing them softballs, all these years.

Enter The Jay Leno Show.

NBC was terrified and so they cooked up a plan to allow themselves their chin-shaped cake, and eat it too. They decided to save some money, cut five scripted shows a week, and gave the hour to Jay Leno to pay his ransom. Everyone knew it was a terrible mistake. For the fourth place network, it was the death knell. By November 2009, less than 6 months after it debuted, the Jay Leno Show had ratings worse than two CW series. NBC, which used to air ER in Jay Leno’s time slot, was getting beat by the CW.

Of course, the real loser in all of this was the NBC affiliates. Some were never on board with this plan from the beginning. Others felt “only the egos of NBC executives are keeping Leno on the air.” No one was sticking around to watch The Jay Leno show, much less the Late Local News, which is the bread and butter for local stations across the country. Jay Leno, and NBC’s lack of a backbone, was destroying local TV stations.

In addition, without vaunted ratings winners like ER and Law and Order, shows which Jay Leno enjoyed as a lead in when he was hosting the Tonight Show, the Conan O’Brien lead Tonight Show was suffering as well. At this point, as the Jay Leno Show was circling the drains and affiliates were threatening to take matters into their own hands and just not air the show, Leno revealed his ultimate ploy, his desire to retain the Tonight Show and kick Conan to the curb. On November 2nd, 2009, he planted the seeds of deceit and asked for the Tonight Show back.

Jay Leno opened up in a new interview about the survival of his new 10 p.m. talk show, saying that he would have rather have stayed in his 11:35 timeslot, and that he’d go back to the “Tonight” show if asked.

Broadcasting and Cable interviewed the TV icon about the show, and critics who say that his show isn’t garnering high ratings.

About whether he would return to “The Tonight Show,” which is now helmed by Conan O’Brien,

I am not a leno supporter, I think he is not funny at all, the guy’s facial expressions always show an arrogant expression.

It was a typical morning,waking up, eating whatever the cook made, taking a long shower, getting into those hideous things we call school uniforms, and whatever I usually do every morning,but this morning was different I actually saw my dad for more than 40 seconds with out him running out to go to work,of course I couldnt talk to him because he was on him blackberry storm cell phone which he is on 24/7!
‘daddy Im leaving!’ I called
‘bye honey!’ he called barely looking back at me, I smiled though and acted like he had seen me. Like usual sam was waiting patientally holding the door to our hummer open for me to step in. Sam was our personal driver and took me anywhere i wanted. I stepped in and looked at myself in the mirror. My perfect skin, thin lips, light blond hair, and thin eye brows glowing back at me!
‘UGH’ I stammered still looking in the mirror with a disgusted look on my face.
‘What Shall It Be Now?’ Sam said With His Brithish Accent.
‘Oh Sam, my pores are huge!!’
‘I will schedual an appoitment for you to have that fixed’ replied sam with out even the look on his face that he cared.
‘thanks much!’ I replied very happy! We Pulled into the big parking lot and I stepped out. Flipping My hair off to the side I heard my cell phone ring. I quickly reached into my coach bag and grabbed it out.
‘yessss’ I answered.
‘theres a new girl her name is emily and she is going to be our new bestie! said my best friend Kollete Jiroux. I hung up quickly! I HATE it when we get a new bestie we hang out with her for a week then Kollete decides she is cramping her style!
‘Lets take a look at this one!’ I said to myself
I found Kollete and our new bestie out by the flag pole chatting away.
‘WOW!’ I thought coveralls This Girl SO needed a makeover!
‘Hey gorgeous!’ Kollete greeted me with out even looking up from her phone.
‘Hey I am emily thanks so much for showing me around!’ emily was definentally frm new york you could SO tell by the way she talked.
‘ Oh yea Im uh Mandy Lilems,yea nice to meet you’ I didnt mean to sound rude but I wasnt to excited to get another one of these kind of people!
‘Lets Take A look at your schedual and see if we have any of the same classes together!’ Said Kollete. As emily reached down into her bag I gave Kollete a big glared. Kollete shrugged her shoulders and mouthed the words what to me.
‘Got It!" Snorted Emily! Kollete grabbed it out of her hands and skimmed through it!
‘Aww We dont have any of the same classes together but you do have the same has Mandy!’ My face froze I looked up from my text, Forced a smile on my face and said through my teeth Great!!

K tht was just my first Chapter! Just tell me if you liked it or not. Tell me what I can Improve on or give me some ideas on what will happen next! thanks much!!

It’s pretty good. I’m impressed.

Friday, July 17, 2009

WorldNetDaily Exclusive
Lib talker, Lou Dobbs now asking eligibility questions
Radio, television, newspapers taking note of long-running dispute

——————————————————————————–

Posted: July 16, 2009
11:05 pm Eastern

——————————————————————————–

WorldNetDaily

Radio talk shows, television programming, newspapers – even a liberal talk show host in New York and talk format icon Lou Dobbs – have begun taking note of the story long reported by WorldNetDaily over the doubts about and challenges to President Obama’s eligibility to occupy the Oval office.

Lynn Samuels, longtime New York radio talker, even accused Obama of lying about his birth certificate.

WND has been reporting – many times in solo fashion – on the issues that have been raised by multiple lawsuits contending that Obama does not qualify under the U.S. Constitution’s requirement that the president be a "natural born" citizen.

But now word is spreading, prompted by the case brought this week by an Army major scheduled for deployment to Afghanistan.

(Story continues below)

In that case, which was dismissed today by a judge in Georgia, a reserve officer explained he had a right to question his deployment orders and know that the commander-in-chief is legitimate, or he would be exposing himself and any soldiers under him to extreme danger in overseas combat situations.

Maj. Stefan Cook’s case was dismissed by the judge who noted the Pentagon had revoked the officer’s deployment orders, apparently resolving the dispute. The officer’s civilian employer also reported being pressured by the government to fire the officer.

Want to turn up the pressure to learn the facts? Get your signs and postcards asking for the president’s birth certificate documentation here.

The story was reported on Sean Hannity’s program on Fox News.

Hannity said the challenge to the deployment orders came after Obama ordered a surge in troops to Afghanistan.

A report on the same challenge also appeared in the Atlanta Journal Constitution.

And Orly Taitz, the attorney for Maj. Stefan Cook, was on the Lou Dobbs radio program, along with former U.S. Ambassador Alan Keyes, who was a presidential candidate on the ballot in 2008.

Dobbs said he and his staff have "been working hard to figure out what’s going on."

He said he’s found the Federal Election Commission does "nothing to validate … a candidate." Nor do the states, he said.

Keyes said it rests upon judges and members of Congress, who have sworn an oath to uphold the U.S. Constitution, to do their duty and investigate questions or discrepancies.

Dobbs suggested that many Americans believe simply being born to a mother who is a U.S. citizen automatically makes the newborn a citizen, but both Taitz and Keyes explained that under the immigration law in effect in the 1960s when Obama was born, an American woman married to a foreign national man had to have lived in the U.S. 10 years, at least five of which were after the age of 14, to pass along U.S. citizenship.

Taitz pointed out Obama’s mother was too young to do that.

In a video posted on YouTube by Radio Equalizer, liberal radio talker Lynn Samuels had her say:

"We don’t even know where he was born," she says. "I absolutely believe he was not born in this country."

Challenged by a caller that Obama could not have hidden birth certificate issues from the U.S., she responded: "Yes you can. His birth certificate is locked and the story came out on WorldNetDaily the other day – they’re really on this – he said originally he was born in like Queen Anne hospital in Hawaii. Then he sends a letter of congratulations on the anniversary of some other hospital in Hawaii, saying of course this is a great hospital, I was born here. He doesn’t even know where the hell he was born because he’s lying."

Taitz told WND that after the Cook case hearing in Georgia today, there were multiple network reporters on the scene

"There is a lot of publicity," she said. "The word spreads."

WND has reported on dozens of legal challenges to Obama’s status as a "natural born citizen." The Constitution, Article 2, Section 1, states, "No Person except a natural born Citizen, or a Citizen of the United States, at the time of the Adoption of this Constitution, shall be eligible to the Office of President."

Some of the lawsuits question whether he was actually born in Hawaii, as he insists. If he was born out of the country, Obama’s American mother, the suits contend, was too young at the time of his birth to confer American citizenship to her son under the law at the time.

Other challenges have focused on Obama’s citizenship through his father, a Kenyan subject to the jurisdiction of the United Kingdom at the time of his birth, thus making him a dual citizen. The cases conten
Again, you LIbs can never confront the evidence you are more worried about whether or not Dobbs is a liberal. Sorry where there lots of smoke there is a fire. Yobama clearly has something to hide on this one.

To the people answering above who claim that Lou Dobbs is a Nazi and therefore not a liberal (or socialist). Nazi stood for "National Socialist Party". Note the similarities of attempted top down control of all facets of your life through government, like the communists also did, and other totalitarians, and, increasingly, Obama’s party.